Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
