That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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