i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
