running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
