I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
