My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Porn is love you can see.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
