he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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