So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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