I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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