4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
