She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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