I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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