dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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