Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
