I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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