Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
