I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
