the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
