Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize