So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
