I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Come on in and take your pants off
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