battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
