I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
