I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
