no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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