Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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