If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
