he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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