Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
