Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
