So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
