The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
