I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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