I'm jealous of your bromance
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
