Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
