She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
