my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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