Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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