Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
