So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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