Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
