Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
