Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
