He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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