I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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