she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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