Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
