My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
