i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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