tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
