i used baking grease as lip gloss
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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