dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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