I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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