omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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