What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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