i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
