Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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