I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
