Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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