I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize