FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
