we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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