he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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