Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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