I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
