Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
