Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
