I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
