Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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